


There Ain't No Sword In Our Lake

by Anonymous



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Incest, M/M, No Sex, Underage - Freeform, Unrequited Love, actually they probably don't, kylux shippers wish they had this much sin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-22
Updated: 2016-01-22
Packaged: 2018-05-15 11:52:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5784355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>tfa-kink prompt fill</p><p>Ben has known Luke his whole life. Ben has loved Luke his whole life. Ben has tried to be worthy of being loved back his whole life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	There Ain't No Sword In Our Lake

**Author's Note:**

> Listen: go ahead and kinkshame me all you want, I will not only support you, I'll respect you. But please be aware that it will not change anything because that would require me to look deep inside myself and figure out what is wrong with me and I don't have the strength or willpower for that.
> 
> Prompt found here: http://tfa-kink.dreamwidth.org/1082.html?thread=30778#cmt30778
> 
> Also, what little we know about timelines, this doesn't merge with it. Whoops.

  
  
  


#### Six

  


"Ben?" Leia calls again. "Ben, come out here!" Ben stifles a giggle from his hiding spot. They can never catch him when he wants to hide. He's going to be the best smuggler _ever_.

"I swear, the aging of five to six changed this family. He's the one in control now, not us. I'm beginning to suspect it was never us," Han says. There's a light thump but it's Han's grunt of indignation that gives away that Leia smacked his shoulder.

"Hush, you have no right to talk about him like that, considering he gets this from you." There's a pause. "Yes, you, don't give me that look," Leia says, laughter in her voice.

"Sorry, I can't really hear you, I'm having flashbacks of…well, my entire life since you and your brother forced yourselves into it. Huh, that went quicker than I expected. Must be all the near death experiences have left me numb to my life flashing before my eyes."

"Speaking of, where is Luke? He should be here by now."

"He's not even late, Leia, give him a chance," Han says, voice soothing.

From Ben's viewpoint he can see their feet move close together. He makes a face at them. Parents are so embarrassing.

Then there's a knock and both pairs of feet spring out of the kitchen and out of his line of sight. The door opens and there's chattering, all over one another. It's a long while before they finally start taking turns and Ben can understand them.

"Where's the little guy?" Someone asks.

"Hiding," Han responds.

"Hiding very well," Leia adds.

"And you can't just find him?" The someone asks, laughing.

Ben can _feel_ the laughter fade away. "That's just it, Luke. I can't…He's found some way to- block me out, I suppose. I can tell he's here, I can feel him, but I can't find _where_."

"Leia-" Luke starts, but she cuts him off.

"He's stronger than we thought. He's already so far beyond where you said he'd be. He needs a teacher, Luke."

"Leia, Han, you can't. I can't. He's so young," Luke says.

"He needs someone, and Leia and I don't think we can be that for him. Not like you can, kid," Han says.

There's a sigh from someone.

"Well, we need to find him first, before we keep talking about any of it. Where does he usually hide?" Luke says.

"Anywhere and everywhere," Han says. Underneath Han's exhaustion Ben can hear something soft that makes him want to giggle again.

"I'll check the attic. Han, you check his room again. Luke, would you mind looking through the laundry room. I don't know what it is about that place but he somehow finds a new nook and cranny every day." Leia doesn't wait to see what the boys will do before she's walking away. Luke and Han are quiet until her footsteps are far away, and then share a laugh together. Then there's more steps moving away. Ben almost shuffles out of his hiding space, but then someone stops at the door to the kitchen. He doesn't recognize these feet. They're not the shiny boots his mom wears, or the beaten up ones his dad refuses to throw out.

They walk into the room and make a beeline for Ben. He curls away from them, but the tablecloth is already being pulled up and then Ben is face to face with a stranger. The man is crouched down, head tilted to see under the table better and his blond hair falls to the side. He looks Ben straight in the eye and Ben freezes.

Then the man smiles, bright and so happy, just for Ben.

"Hey there, Ben," he says. He sits down, just outside of where the tablecloth would fall if he wasn't holding it up. "You probably don't even remember me, you're so grown up now! I'm your Uncle Luke."

Ben pauses and watches the man. "You- you throwed me in the air," Ben says. He's mostly repeating what his parents have told him when they told Ben his uncle was coming by, but Luke smile gets even bigger, even brighter, and Ben is inexplicably proud of himself for saying the right thing.

"That's right, I did! Sometimes that was the only way to get you to stop crying."

Luke smiles at him for a second and then gestures inside the fort Ben had made under the table. "May I join you?"

Ben nods enthusiastically, scooting over. Luke gracefully crawls in, only to bump his head on the top of the table when he tries to sit up. Ben giggles.

"Ow," Luke says, rubbing the top of his head. "Bet that doesn't happen to you."

Ben shakes his head, still giggling. Luke looks at the space under the table and nods approvingly.

"It's nice down here. I can see why you like it," Luke says. Ben shakes his head again. "What, you don't like it down here?"

"It's not the best spot, but Mommy and Daddy have gotten all of my _bestest_ spots," Ben says.

"I wondered why they couldn't find you under the table," Luke says quietly.

"They won't," Ben soldiers on. "They're not gonna look under here 'til they see all the other spots, firsts."

"How do you know they won't check under here before then?"

Ben rolls his eyes and sighs at Luke. "Because they _know_ I'm a good hider."

Luke blinks a few times at Ben. "So they won't check the obvious spot, because they expect you to be hiding somewhere un-obvious." Ben nods at Luke, the nod he sees his mom give to people when they say something she approves of.

"That's very clever, Ben," Luke says, and Ben shrugs, suddenly very shy and cheeks heating up, but Luke continues. "When did you figure this-"

Ben jumps and covers Luke's mouth with both of his hands. It doesn't stop Luke from making a noise of shock but he quiets when he hears what Ben heard: footsteps. He shares a look with Luke and Ben can _feel_ the smile under his hands and he wants to grab it, keep it in his pocket next to the good luck charm Chewie gave him for his birthday.

The footsteps stop close by and Ben holds his breath. Luke starts shaking under his hands and Ben furrows his brows at him when he realizes Luke is _laughing_. How can he keep from being caught if Luke is going to be so loud? Ben leans in close so his mouth is just outside of the hands he still has pressed against Luke's lips and whispers, "Shhhhh!"

The tablecloth lifts up. Han is awkwardly bent over at the waist to try and look under the table.

"Oh. So that's how it is. I get it. You're already my wife's favorite, you gotta take my son now, too?" Han asks in his Serious Dad Voice, which means he's about three seconds away from tickling someone and that someone is usually Ben.

Ben pulls his hands away from Luke slowly, carefully, and Ben and Han look each other over.

"You'll never take us alive, Imper-list scum!" Ben shouts, grabbing Luke's hand and frantically trying to crawl to the opposite side of the table. Luke is laughing loudly now, and he is _no help_ when Ben's ankles are grabbed and he's dragged backwards into tickle torture at his dad's hands.

  


  


#### Eight

  


Ben has a theory. He's had it for a few years now, and it goes like this: you aren't meant to always love your parents. When you're a baby, your parents are all you know. They're your world. Then, you grow up, and you see more of the world, and you see all the ways your parents are failable. Perhaps it's even worse for Ben and other people whose parents were heroes. All you hear from other people are the stories of how your parents saved the galaxy and then you go home and you can sense who is at the door before they even knock and your dad, your powerful dad who fought against powers beyond his control and won, will look at you with fear.

Leia doesn't have time to be afraid. She sits on so many councils and fights for so many people and may not be a princess anymore but she still stands like a queen. Ben knows she loves him, can feel it radiating off of her whenever she sees Ben, but sometimes. Sometimes Ben thinks she loves him like you love a theory, or a law, something to be worked at until it's flawless and then left behind to make something better.

Ben knows he has it good. He has it so good. Even just looking around at everyone else's lives he can see just how lucky he is. It doesn't make sense that he should feel so lost. He has spent hours sitting on his bed, staring at nothing and digging his nails into the skin of his ankle until he drew blood, telling himself over and over again to _be happy just be happy why are you so spoiled you don't_ deserve _more when you have so much already so just. Be. Happy._

Luke has so many flaws. He can see them clear as day. He's too trusting, he's afraid of his lineage, he tells Ben mistakes are necessary but then punishes himself for any failings. He has had the whole world on his back for so long that he's become a statue, too terrified of making a wrong move that he doesn't move at all. Luke has always been both a far away legend and someone too real, too flawed, too human. Ben thinks he's always loved him for it.

Ben would forgive Luke every flaw if he would just… _stay_.

Ben has another theory, but this one is a theory like gravity, or light speed, or the Force. Something fundamental that makes up the universe. The theory goes like this: Ben isn't a good person.

He tries to be, and he thinks that's what really matters, but he doesn't think he has the heart of someone good. Good people don't lash out when they're angry like he does. Good people don't get as angry as often as he does. Good people don't spiral out of control for no good reason. Good people don't make their parents cry or scream or give looks like they don't know what he's going to do next and they might be afraid of it. Good people don't revel in the fear, sometimes, because it's the only time they can have something that gives them control. Good people don't sometimes wish that the galaxy would fall apart because then everything would be out of control and they wouldn't be the only broken ones anymore. Ben Solo is not a good person.

He learns more and more about his grandfather, about how Anakin Skywalker was someone so good but fell to the darkness. Maybe, he thinks, maybe he can be his opposite; someone bad who does things for good.

Luke shows up by one day after a whole year away. Ben is outside, sitting underneath a tree. Luke told him before that emotions aren't bad, just letting them control you is, so Ben comes out here once in a while and tries to meditate like Luke showed him. If he tries hard enough, he can bring his emotions to heel. He knows he can.

He can feel Luke before he even opens his eyes. He throws himself out of the meditation and scrambles to his feet and beams at Luke walking toward him. Luke smiles back, wide and warm as always.

He falls into a hug with Ben easily. Ben doesn't clutch at Luke's shirt, doesn't try to abuse his growth spurt and fit his face in the space between Luke's neck and shoulder, doesn't hold on as long as he wants to. They pull away and Ben sits down quickly, curling his knees up against his chest. Luke settles down easier, sits back against the trunk of the tree and looks up through the leaves. Ben doesn't stare.

"So your mom tells me you're interested in hearing about your grandfather?"

Ben freezes. Luke bumps their shoulders together and laughs. "Oh, come on, I don't mean it like it's a bad thing. What do you want to know?"

Ben hesitates, doesn't look up from the grass when he finally opens his mouth. "Mom said…she said that, in the end, you loved him. You loved him enough to- to save him." Ben stares at the ground and waits and waits and his whole body is trembling but he can't even tell if it's from anger or fear and he doesn't even know what he would be angry _at_ -

"Ben," Luke says. Something feather-light touches his chin. Ben lets Luke lead his gaze so they're staring at one another. Ben's heart races.

"There's light and dark in everyone, you know that, right?" Luke asks and Ben nods. Luke's finger falls from Ben's chin and he inwardly curses at himself for even moving. "Well, there was a lot of darkness in my father. But there was light, too, that very few people let themselves see. All it took was for someone to see it, and love him for it. Love can…redeem people. Love can mend."

Luke looks at Ben and Ben feels he might shake apart if Luke keeps watching him, or maybe if Luke looks away.

"Do you understand?" Luke asks.

Ben nods. "Yeah, I think I do."

Luke grins, bright as the sun. "Good."

Ben smiles back and _aches_. In someplace deep inside him, where no one could ever find, Ben also knows that good people don't look at their uncle and _want_ with an intensity that scares them. Good people don't think that the galaxy could fall apart and it would be fine, might even be better off if just one, specific person remained. Ben Solo is not a good person, but he loves Luke fiercely and with all of himself. Maybe that can redeem him.

  


* * *

  


Ben has Luke for the next three days. Leia is busy with something going on the Republic and comes home at dinner, exhausted but always with smiles to spare for Luke. Han sticks around sometimes, but he more often than not leaves Luke and Ben together. Ben can sense the hope Han gives off when he sees them together.

This means that for three fragile, overwhelming days, Ben has Luke almost entirely to himself. Which means it's three days before Luke leaves again.

"I just don't understand why you won't take me _with_ you?" Ben says, trailing behind Luke as he gathers up the handful of things he's taking with him. Most of it is stuff the family gave to him, shoes from Leia, something both organic and mechanic from Han, food and extra supplies.

"Ben. We've talked about this," Luke says.

"The last time you were here! Which was ages ago!" Ben says. Luke flinches at that and Ben feels bad, he does, but if guilt is what it will take to have Luke bring him along it'll be worth it.

"I'm sorry. It won't be so long next time. I'll visit more, I promise," Luke says. He hasn't stopped wandering through the house but his arms are full and he's not picking anything up anymore.

"That's not what I'm talking about," Ben says. "Mom says I need a teacher, Dad says I need a teacher, even _you_ say I have 'much to learn'-" Luke gives a quiet laugh at Ben's exaggerated impression of him. "So why don't you teach me?"

Finally Luke stops, so quickly Ben nearly stumbles into him. Luke gives a shakey sigh before sitting down on the floor in the middle of the hallway. Ben hesitantly lowers himself down behind Luke.

"Ben," Luke starts, doesn't continue. All the things he was carrying get dumped onto the floor in front of him before Luke turns around so he and Ben are sitting in front of each other. "You know I will teach you eventually. You know you need to be patient. You…Once you leave home, you can't come back the person you were before. Why are you so eager to give yourself up?"

Somewhere far away from himself Ben can tell his hands are curling into themselves, hard enough that it'll hurt when he comes back. Somewhere so much closer Ben can hear the blood rushing in his ears.

"What. Could possibly exist about me. That'd be worth keeping," Ben forces out. His breathing is labored and he thinks he might have hurt one of his hands but it's not important, none of that is important, Luke has to _realize_ and so he locks eyes with Luke and keeps his gaze.

It's Luke that turns away.

"Ben…"

"No. No, no, Unc- Luke. Luke, you don't know. You don't see it. You don't see the way Dad looks at me when you're not here. You only see the moments when you're around and there's a little more pride and a little less fear. You don't see the moments when Mom and Dad fight at night because they- they see me- as some kind of-"

_Don't._

It takes a moment for Ben to realize Luke didn't say it out loud, and the only reason he does is because of the emotion that comes with it. It's like something has cracked between him and Luke and Ben can feel an echo of Luke's hurt, his guilt, but underneath all of that is something…warm. Not physical heat, but more like the warmth of Luke smiling at him. Ben swallows and swallows against the stone in his throat and tries to breathe.

"Don't say it, Ben." Luke's real voice almost makes Ben jump. The warm feeling jolts out of him and Ben is suddenly, overwhelmingly lonely.

"Take me with you," Ben replies.

Luke's eyes close and it's a long moment before he opens them again. He and Ben stare at each other, and this time Luke doesn't look away.

  


* * *

  


Luke leaves the next day. Ben stands with his parents and watches the ship go. Ben tells himself he can only imagine feeling Luke go further and further away from him.

  
  


#### Thirteen

  


Ben is 13 and Luke has finally, _finally_ agreed to become his teacher.

Ben is 13 and he's finally walking up the steps of the building Luke has made into his temple, and it feels like running away, and it feels like coming home. The entrance isn't the towering door Ben had imagined, instead it's like every door Ben has ever gone through, if a little more worn and with red paint chipping off it. It opens for them without Luke having to even gesture to it. Luke turns and gives Ben a smile before leading him inside.

It's a wide open area, or would be if not for the plants taking over with only some room for dirt paths that lead to nearby buildings. This looks exactly like something Luke would call home and so it's beautiful.

"Hello?" Luke calls out. "I'm back! And I brought Ben with me!"

In an instant Luke is overrun with padawan students. Ben towers over all of them. They climb on top of Luke and each try to get them to look at them and Ben is not only a bad person, he's a bad, stupid person because he hates them already for just this start of taking Luke's attention. Luke stands up from where he had crouched down to say hello to everyone, a kid hanging off of either arm, and he turns to Ben.

"Ben, these are your fellow students. Padawans! This is the Ben I've told you so much about!"

  


* * *

Children. 

They're all children. Every single student.

Ben is the oldest one there, the only one old enough to even start growing scraggly, facial hairs. There's one, a Togrutan girl, who couldn't be older than five.

Ben spends a lot of time meditating, his first days there.

  


* * *

  


"Ben, concentrate," Luke says. Ben almost rolls his eyes, but he knows better. Now. 

"Gan, that's good. Remember, let the Force guide you," Luke continues and Ben does roll his eyes this time. Gan is small, even for an eight year old, and he trembles every time he has to fight anyone. Going up against Ben only makes the trembling worse.

Ben feints right and Gan jerks away so hard he falls, before Ben can even bring up the wooden sword and tap Gan from the left. He crouches down in front of Gan and very, very lightly taps the fake sword against Gan's forehead. A few of the other padawans who are watching them instead of practicing with their partners giggle. Gan flinches at the giggles more than he does at the loss. He scrambles up quickly and both of them stand before Luke without having to be told to.

"Gan, I think you need a different partner. I can take over here, Ben, you can take a break if you like," Luke says.

"Yes, master," Ben nods. He walks away from them and quickly gets distracted by two tiny girls who take turns poking one another.

"This isn't really how a battle goes," he tells them, and they giggle. He gets them in the proper positions and has them practicing swings and blocks quickly enough. He goes through the room, correcting postures and showing better swings.

Lunch time comes but Luke doesn't stop the training. Ben waits a bit longer, continues circling the room, but eventually he calls out to end the practice.

"Time to eat, everyone!" He says. All the students rush to place their sticks in a chest and get out first. It's a much fiercer battle to be first into the dinner room than anything they practice here.

Ben stays behind and when the room is emptied out, the only ones left are Luke, Ben, and Gan. Luke is kneeled down to look Gan in the face, even though Gan is looking steadfastly at the floor. Luke catches Ben looking at them and he sends Gan out.

"Remember what I said," Luke says after him. The door closes behind Gan and it's just Luke and Ben. Ben meanders around the room, picking up the few training sticks that got left behind.

"You don't have to do that," Luke says.

Ben shrugs. "I don't mind."

"I do. You're meant to be the student."

"Well, when everyone is so far behind it's hard to learn anything."

"That's your pride talking. There's still so much for you to learn."

Ben drops the training sticks in the chest and the clatter echoes through the room. It's quiet for a long moment before Ben breaks the silence.

"There's nothing for you to teach me."

"Ben-"

"You're too busy teaching everyone else things I had to _learn myself_ , so really, what could you teach me? Everything else I've learned came from vague instructions you'd say before you ran off back to the gaggle of," Ben waves his arms in the direction of the dinner room. "Children."

"You're a child, too, Ben."

Ben's laugh is brittle and aching. "Right. I'm a child, just one older than every student here. I'm a child, just more powerful than every student here. I'm a child, just not one of your students."

"You're powerful, that's true, but power means nothing when there's no skill to wield it. You're still a padawan, and you were just as new to the Force when you were their age," Luke says.

The anger surges inside Ben and he's kicking at the chest of training swords before he realizes it. The chest goes flying across the room to smash to pieces against the wall. Ben barely had to touch it but his leg burns like he's spent hours exercising it. Luke does nothing, doesn't even flinch. The silence is louder and harder to break than before, but Ben's voice croaks into it somehow.

"Then why didn't you take me with you?" Ben asks. Luke says nothing again. If not for feeling him there Ben might think he left.

"How many times did I beg you to take me with you? How many times did I sit by the door, waiting for you to come? How _long_ did I wait for you to find me worthy of being taught, and you're- you're- you're-" Ben breaks off with a frustrated growl. He drags his hands through his hair and digs into his scalp with his nails. He takes a deep breath before continuing, "No one here has ever had to wait for you, have they? None of them have ever had to prove themselves worth paying attention to."

"Ben, that's not true. That's never been true. You've never had to prove anything to me," Luke says.

"Then why didn't you take me?" Ben wants to scream it at him, but it only comes out as a whisper and he's weak, he's so weak, no wonder Luke never wanted anything to do with him.

"You weren't ready," Luke says.

Ben can't stand it anymore, he whirls around and it's only the look on Luke's face that stops him from lauching himself at Luke. "Wasn't ready? I was _always_ ready! I've wanted nothing but to be with you since I- since my whole life! You dote on all the other kids like they're special, but they're not, you know I was stronger than all of them when I was six! I'm so much more powerful than all of them! I try and I try and I push myself further than any of the others but you only ever look at them! What will it take for you to _see me_?" Ben screams. Something nearby shatters, but Ben and Luke never stop looking at each other.

"You think I don't see you?" Luke whispers.

Something shatters inside Ben as he and Luke stare at each other. He can feel it again, the warmth that connects him and Luke and it's stronger than ever before. His hands shake.

"Do you?" Ben's voice rasps and he wants to cough but he can't make a sound.

"I always see you, Ben," Luke says.

Ben's eyes are watering and he'd normally be embarrassed but even through the tears he can see Luke looks ready to cry, too.

"Do you love me?" Ben asks and he can see and _feel_ Luke crumble.

"Oh, _Ben_ ," he says. "Of course I love you. Ben, I love you more than I could ever have imagined." And that's all it takes to send Ben to the ground, hiding his face in his hands as he sobs into them. Luke is there in an instant, holding Ben so tightly he thinks he could burst. Ben wraps his arms around Luke's shoulders and Luke clutches on to him, like he's afraid Ben might run from him, as if Ben could ever move from his side.

"I'm so sorry, Ben," Luke whispers. "I'm so sorry. The truth is I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to take you away from your family. You were so young and I knew I'd have to take you away eventually. I wanted you to have as much time with them as you could. Being a Jedi isn't easy, you have to make so many tough choices, and I just. I wanted to try and spare you that. Even just a little, even for just a while. I'm sorry I made you think you weren't good enough. I promise you I've never, not once, thought you were anything less than amazing. You're a wonder, Ben."

The calm that consumes Ben then isn't his own. He's never felt anything like it. It doesn't feel forced, like Luke is pushing it at him. It's just…a solid warmth he can sink into. It is exactly like the moment Luke smiles at him only he can drown in it.

 _It's Luke,_ he thinks. _It's our bond._

Ben closes his eyes and lets himself fall into it.

  
  


#### Fifteen

  


"You don't love me, Ben. Not like that." Luke says it so calmly, so assuredly, like he knows Ben better than Ben knows himself. "The bond between a master and a padawan is very strong, and you've always had such strong emotions. You're growing up and everything is mixing itself inside you, and I'm, well. I'm available."

Ben waits for it, his heart to break or something else dramatic, his strong emotions carrying him again. But there's nothing but…exasperation.

"I. Love you. Luke," Ben says it slowly, like he does he's teasing one of the other students.

"Ben," Luke starts, but Ben doesn't let him continue.

"You love me, too, Luke. I can feel it," Ben insists.

Luke closes his eyes for a second, swallows, steels himself. "Of course I love you, Ben. You know that. Just…not in that way."

Ben can't stop himself from rolling his eyes. "You think I can't feel it?"

"Feel what?"

"How you feel about me! I always know where you are, I can always feel you everywhere I go. Do you really think I could just ignore that? Did you think I could somehow miss when you. When we…" Ben stops, bites his lip. There aren't words for this, whatever it is, but words don't mean anything when he can _show_. Ben concentrates, closes his eyes to focus on that calmness, the feeling of Luke smiling at him, the feeling of warmth and home and _love_ , and pushes it outward. He can't replicate it perfectly, Ben has never been a being of calm, but he can still send the meaning behind it.

He can feel Luke's surprise before Luke gasps. The connection between them is stronger than before, something cracked open wider and opened both ways. It's the easiest thing to find his way to Luke and he falls into him like he always wanted before he even realizes what's happening. And then there's an entire lifetime all buried or displayed or decaying or worn from revisiting and it's all happening in one second and Ben can't seem to hold onto himself. And then he's seeing himself from Luke's eyes. He doesn't know if he calls the memory or if it's a coincidence but he doesn't care because the warmth is constant and overflowing and Ben doesn't know how Luke can keep all his love inside himself when he loves _so_ much.

And then it's gone.

It's like getting slapped, or the instant when you feel yourself falling. Ben is a part of Luke and then he's shoved backwards into himself, so roughly he stumbles onto his backside, only just catching his hands behind him.

"Ben!" Luke's voice is tight with anger. "You can't just- you can't _force_ yourself into people's minds! That's a terrible-"

"I didn't mean to," Ben says, doesn't say how he wishes he was still there. "I just wanted to show you. I didn't mean to go so deep."

Luke huffs out a breath, presses a hand to his forehead. "Fine. I understand. Sometimes I forget how powerful you are, I shouldn't blame you for not understanding yourself. But Ben, you can't do that. Ever again."

Ben nods. "But you know what I meant? You felt it? The bond?"

"Ben."

"You've felt it before, I could see it. You know exactly what I mean."

"Ben."

"You told me yourself it's okay to love, so you don't have to stop. I _love_ you-"

"Ben!" Luke's voice is louder than Ben has ever heard it. It rushes through and stops Ben cold.

"Ben. I'm sorry. I can't give you what you want. The kind of love you're asking for, it isn't…" Luke sighs and it's only then, in this moment, that Ben's stomach turns to ice. It's then he realizes what Luke will do.

"It's not possible. Between you and me. It could never happen, even if you wanted it to. You'll see, though, you'll find someone else-"

"Don't," Ben says. He's surprised Luke does stop, and surprised at himself for still not knowing how kind Luke is even in his cruelty.

"It's love that redeems us in the end, right?" Ben asks.

Luke's face softens at that. "Always," he replies.

Ben clenches his hands into fists and refuses to look at Luke. "Just not my love."

"Ben, no-" Luke starts but Ben is scrambling to his feet and walking away. He can't hear it, he just can't.

  
  


#### Sixteen

  


The common horror story is that it's easy to choose the dark side. That it's a constant pull that drags you down and every day you have to crawl forward to get back what it's taken from you. That once you fall, you're held under and it's easy to let yourself drift.

It's not true.

It was the hardest thing Ben's ever done, and the hardest thing to keep doing. He knows now what his grandfather felt, how it's a choice you make every day and have to keep making even when it kills you. And every day that's gone by Kylo Ren has crawled his way back to where he was the day before, away from the light.

  
  
  



End file.
